Ready to start again
by Alex Tenoh
Summary: I only wanted to tell a story about someone who wasted a year of her life... HARUKA/MICHIRU
1. Default Chapter

A/n and desclaimers: I don't own sailor moon or any of the characters, but I own the plot which is a part of my life... I really felt the need to put out the wrost year of my life and I decided to do it writing a fanfiction, I don't know if any of you has ever loved his7her pain in a way it can kill everything you care about, well I did and I wasted a year of my life...  
  
I really hope you'll understend...  
  
Love you,  
  
Alex  
  
Ready to start again  
  
Chapter I  
  
I don't remember much of what happened that year, maybe as someone told me after, I simply learnt to live with myself, maybe I went out of my mind and I found myself in the middle of those millions of things I said and decided to shut my mounth... If I think about it, I see some people who admired me for how, with my behaviour, I pushed them on a wall, thay saw me strong and mistook my desperated need of hurt myself with thei confused aspiration to no be afraid, thay did not undertend that I had no courage, I was only trying to kill myself inside not having the steinght to do it for real, if I looked at me in the mirror I was afraid of desappearing, I saw myself as a gosth: untoucheble and invisible, ready to left his place to the more silly object, in panic's control, afraid in such a way that I couldn't fint the breath to run...to escape. Then I stayed still, I can remer it to well and I tryied to make the other escape from me accusing them for not be there, I hurt so many people I loved and in many case I love with all myself, and looking at my hands and finding them clean and pure, I was disgusted. I loved desperatly my pain, because it was the only thing which allow me to feel that blood was still running in my veins... Alive? No... In that yeas I never stayed alive for more then one minute and I realize only now all the time I wasted, I now realize all the times I closed my eyes in front of all the injustices which I proudly did...  
  
Dedications: To the one I love more the life itself: my girlfriend Rosa, who know exactly when I need to be held.. the one who made me breath again.. love you  
  
Per quelli che sanno l'italiano, ho deciso di allegare anche l'originale.. fatemi sapere che ne pensate.  
  
Alex  
  
Non ricordo molto di quello che successe in quell'anno, forse come qualcuno poi mi disse, imparai semplicemente a convivere con me stessa, forse impazzii e mi ritrovai casualmente in mezzo a quella marea di cose che avevo detto e decisi semplicemente di tacere. Se ci ripenso, rivedo alcune persone che mi ammiravano per come, con il mio comportamento, le prendevo di petto, mi vedevano forte e confondevano il mio disperato bisogno di farmi del male con la loro confusa aspirazione al non avere paura, non capivano che il mio non era coraggio, ma solo un uccidermi dentro non avendo le palle di farlo realmente, se mi guardavo allo specchio avevo quasi paura di scomparire, mi vedevo come un fantasma: intangibile e trasparente, pronto a cedere il suo spazio al più insignificante degli oggetti, in preda al panico, spaventata a tal punto di non trovare nemmeno il fiato per correre.per scappare. Allora restai, questo me lo ricordo bene e tentai di far fuggire gl'altri per poi accusarli di non esserci stati e feci del male a tante di quelle persone che amavo ed in certi casi amo ancora con tutta me stessa, che se mi guardavo le mani, vedendole pure, provavo solamente nausea. Amai disperatamente il mio dolore, perché era l'unica cosa che riusciva ancora, in un certo senso, a farmi sentire che il sangue mi scorreva nelle vene. Viva? No.in quell'anno non sono mai stava viva per più di un minuto e me ne rendo conto solo ora di tutto il tempo che ho buttato, mi rendo conto solo ora di quante volte ho chiuso gli occhi davanti alle ingiustizie che io stessa vantandomene facevo. 


	2. Chapter II

Chapter II  
  
For many nights I lived of a remembrance of those cruel moments I still had running in my head, I was lost and I felt it, I hated myself for what I had done... I was so blind, now looking at you while you're sleeping I understend it.  
  
I remember the day I first met you, I was daydreaming under a tree and a ball hit me, one of your friends came to apologize and I fleshed her a smile, then I saw you... you were a little angel and I smiled at you without even realizing it, so tender... it was the first thing I thought that day. Soon you and your friends were gone and I didn't saw you for a long time... until the first day at school, the day I was able to give the little angel a real name... Michiru Kaioh.  
  
A door slowly opened, I held my breath for several seconds, a new school, maybe a way to escape from all the things I said... a new experience. "Class, this is Haruka Tenoh, he is from London, be kind to him. Haruka, want to say something to the class?" I looked at you... "I'm glad to start this new year with 'you'... " I didn't refered to the class and you noticed it, you gave me a surprised look and I started my new year at the George Washington school without walls...  
  
A/N: I remember that some months ago I only wanted to escape from this world, then I looked in two eyes which gave me millions reasons to stay and hold on...  
  
Love you my little angel...  
  
Alex  
  
Thanks to Riva Van Dyk for her review, it means a lot to me since I'm talking about something which nearly killed me leaving me without any thought worth to stay alive. 


End file.
